Subject: apropos religious discussion
From: Robbie (shok@netcom.com)
Date: Thu Jan 20 2000 - 01:59:55 EST
I picked up a copy of "Our Dumb Century" which, if you didn't know, was
put out by the people who do "The Onion" and is utterly hilarious if
the satirical, irreverent humor appeals at all to you.
The headline for January 1, 2000 (it was printed in 1999) is "Christian
Right Ascends to Heaven" and is as follows (I hope I'm not breaking any
laws or upsetting anyone by reproducing this brief passage):
TULSA, OK - At the stroke
of midnight, Jan. 1, 2000, the
clouds opened above the Bible
Belt and a golden staircase
appeared for all born-again
Christians who do not bear the
Mark of the Beast to ascend
into Heaven and enjoy
Everlasting Salvation.
Night turned to day as Jesus
Christ appeared at the top of
the staircase in a blinding
white sun-beam to select only
1,000 believers for ascension
into Heaven, as outlined in the
Book of Revelation.
"Follow me," the bearded,
unkempt Jew told His assem-
bled flock as He unrolled a
papyrus scroll bearing a list of
names. The list was a veritable
Who's Who of the Christian
Right. "Pat Buchanan, Bob
Dornan, Jerry Falwell, Fred
Phelps, Ralph Reed, Trent
Lott..." Jesus read on, as those
named followed Him into the clouds.
Millionaire cable-TV execu-
tive and right-wing politician
Pat Robertson smiled gleefully
as he slowly climbed the
stairs. "I've been waiting for
this moment all my life," he
said, his three-piece suit shim-
mering in the beatific glare.
"I am going to a place where
everybody is like me, filled
with Christian love and
understanding." said conserv-
ative talk-show host and two-
time presidential candidate
Buchanan. "There will also be
a shared hatred of gays."
Sources close to Jesus say He
and Buchanan will meet pri-
vately later this week to dis-
cuss a gay-killing meteor,
which could smite the Earth's
wicked Sodomites by as early
as 2002.
"Remember, Jesus loves
you," said Christ, waving
from atop the golden stair-
case flanked by Robertson,
Buchanan and Falwell, who
also waved down to the
damned.
"So long, suckers!" Falwell
exclaimed.
Noted astronomer and athe-
ist Carl Sagan, whose skull is
now the drinking gourd of
Satan, spoke from the fourth
level of Hell, saying, "Save
me, Jesus. I was wrong to
value scientific reasoning over
divine faith. Please, take me
with you."
The chosen Christians are
expected to enjoy an eternity
of worshipping God and
singing hymns in Heaven. "I
expect it will be a great deal
like being in Sunday service,
except it will never end,"
Robertson said. "I am very
excited about it."
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