A Thanksgiving Story
ZGlass9@aol.com
Thu, 25 Nov 1999 22:49:27 -0500 (EST)
The Haunted Turkey
Alice walked down the seemingly endless rows of frozen cases, in search=20
of a turkey that would satisfy the holiday needs of her family. Alice was=20
merely eight years old, but very mature for her age. She read at a tenth=20
grade level and much preferred reading to playing childish games. Her mothe=
r=20
had instructed her to find a proper turkey while she shopped for cosmetics.=20=
=20
Alice quickly acquiesced. She loved the holidays, and was very fond of=20
turkeys. She considered herself a connoisseur. =20
As she walked past every row of turkeys, she became more and more aware=20
of this particular grocery store's shoddy selection. She was about to give=20
up when she saw a turkey at the very far end of the aisle that she was=20
currently on. It was a grand turkey, a majestic turkey, a powerful turkey.=20=
=20
It was the biggest turkey she had ever seen before. Instead of having the=20
usual "Butterball" or "Honeysuckle" labels on the turkey, it had, instead, a=
=20
very large label that simply said "BIG TURKEY" in big, black, block letters.=
=20
Alice knew this was the turkey she wanted. She approached the nearest=20
employee.
"If you aren't too busy, kind sir, will you please take that =E2=80=98BI=
G TURKEY'=20
over there to my mother. She is currently in the cosmetics section. She's=20
the one with the pink lipstick. I would do it myself, you see, but I am=20
merely a small girl and that particular turkey is far too large for me to=20
carry."
"Oh," said the employee, "are you referring to the =E2=80=98BIG TURKEY'?=
"
"Well, that's what I said, right?"
"Don't you know that turkey is haunted?!"
Alice laughed heartily, as if there were a thousand drunken men playing=20=
a=20
round of darts in her belly. "Oh, you dear, dear man. You amuse me. What=20
is your name?"
"Mario the Meat Man."
"Well, Mario. If you must know, I never took to much liking to haunted=20
turkey stories. I've heard them all before. And the very fact that this=20
turkey has such an urban legend surrounding it makes me want it even more."
"Fine, then," said Mario. "Don't say I didn't warn ya."
Mario put some protective gloves on and got Alice the turkey. He=20
followed her to her mother, who was trying on various lipsticks at her own=20
leisure.
"I got the turkey, mother. Isn't it lovely?"
"Oh, my dear," said Alice's mother. "It's glorious. We shall leave thi=
s=20
place at once, return home, and then cook a grand feast for ourselves."=20
"Grand," said both Alice and her mother.
=20
Own the way home, Alice thought she would strike up a conversation about=
=20
the myth surrounding their new turkey.
"Mario the Meat Man said that this particular turkey is haunted, mother.=
=20
What do you think of that?"=20
"Well, I think that is preposterous, Alice. Everyone knows the only bir=
d=20
that allows itself to be possessed by the spirit of another dead bird is the=
=20
emu. Everyone knows that, dear."
"I suppose you're right, mother."
Alice and her mother arrived home ready to cook the greatest Thanksgivin=
g=20
feast either of them had ever had before. =20
"Should we invite Aunt Caroline or Uncle Mortimer?" inquired Alice.=20
"No," said her mother, "they always bring that awful green bean=20
casserole."
"Ah, yes. How about Grandma and Grandpa."
"No, you know how I detest old people, Alice"
"Ah, yes. How about . . . "
"I have an idea," interrupted Alice's mother. "Let's just have=20
Thanksgiving dinner by ourselves this year. Just the two of us." =20
They both looked at each other for a moment. "Grand."
Alice's mother placed the turkey in the oven while Alice watched. =20
"How long do you think it will take, mother?" =20
"Oh, I don't know. It couldn't take more than half an hour, tops."=20
"Fine, then. I suppose I'll go upstairs a build a fort out of my books=20
again. Care to join me, mother?"
"I'd love to, darling."=20
"Grand."
As Alice and her mother assembled two large walls out of Alice's huge=20
collection of books, things were beginning to go very wrong down in the=20
kitchen. After only a few minutes, the turkey began to expand at a great=20
rate. The oven would soon no longer be able to hold this great bird. The=20
oven door blew open with force. Alice and her mother ran downstairs, quite=20
calmly, to see what was the matter. As they walked through the two wooden=20
doors, they saw something they had never seen before. A half cooked turkey,=
=20
nine feet in height, and at least four feet in width, standing on its hind=20
legs. It looked very angry.
"I am the spirit of Sitting Bull! I was one of the Indian tribe leaders=
=20
that attended the first Thanksgiving held by those terrible Pilgrims."
"Really?" asked Alice. "Why is your spirit residing in a turkey, off al=
l=20
things?
"Geez, I don't know. I guess I just love irony."
"Ahh . . . I see." =20
"What," pleaded Alice's mother, "do you want us to do for you, sir?" =20
"All I really want is to have a nice dinner, with two nice people, and=20
not be killed when we're done. Not like last time." =20
Alice, her mother, and the haunted turkey sat down at the dinner table.=20=
=20
Alice served the turkey some stuffing and her mother served him some=20
cranberry sauce. =20
"Oh, this is divine," said the turkey. "This is what I've always dreamt=
=20
of." =20
"We do have one problem, however," stated Alice. "You were to be our=20
turkey. Our main course to the feast."=20
"How about this," laughed the turkey. With a hard jerk, he tore off his=
=20
left wing and threw it on the centerpiece, causing a myriad of potpourri to=20
fly everywhere. =20
"Didn't that hurt?!" =20
"No . . . I'm just a spirit. The turkey can't feel anything. He's dead=
,=20
ya know."
"Grand."
After they finished their meal, the turkey grew limp and fell on the=20
floor. The window above the sink opened and the curtains blew in. The=20
haunted turkey was haunted no longer.
-Andrew Morgan