Subject: Re: apropos religious discussion
From: LR Pearson, Arts 99 (lp9616@bristol.ac.uk)
Date: Fri Jan 21 2000 - 06:43:01 EST
On Wed, 19 Jan 2000 22:59:55 -0800 Robbie <shok@netcom.com> wrote:
> I picked up a copy of "Our Dumb Century" which, if you didn't know, was
> put out by the people who do "The Onion" and is utterly hilarious if
> the satirical, irreverent humor appeals at all to you.
> The headline for January 1, 2000 (it was printed in 1999) is "Christian
> Right Ascends to Heaven" and is as follows (I hope I'm not breaking any
> laws or upsetting anyone by reproducing this brief passage):
>
> TULSA, OK - At the stroke
> of midnight, Jan. 1, 2000, the
> clouds opened above the Bible
> Belt and a golden staircase
> appeared for all born-again
> Christians who do not bear the
> Mark of the Beast to ascend
> into Heaven and enjoy
> Everlasting Salvation.
> Night turned to day as Jesus
> Christ appeared at the top of
> the staircase in a blinding
> white sun-beam to select only
> 1,000 believers for ascension
> into Heaven, as outlined in the
> Book of Revelation.
> "Follow me," the bearded,
> unkempt Jew told His assem-
> bled flock as He unrolled a
> papyrus scroll bearing a list of
> names. The list was a veritable
> Who's Who of the Christian
> Right. "Pat Buchanan, Bob
> Dornan, Jerry Falwell, Fred
> Phelps, Ralph Reed, Trent
> Lott..." Jesus read on, as those
> named followed Him into the clouds.
> Millionaire cable-TV execu-
> tive and right-wing politician
> Pat Robertson smiled gleefully
> as he slowly climbed the
> stairs. "I've been waiting for
> this moment all my life," he
> said, his three-piece suit shim-
> mering in the beatific glare.
> "I am going to a place where
> everybody is like me, filled
> with Christian love and
> understanding." said conserv-
> ative talk-show host and two-
> time presidential candidate
> Buchanan. "There will also be
> a shared hatred of gays."
> Sources close to Jesus say He
> and Buchanan will meet pri-
> vately later this week to dis-
> cuss a gay-killing meteor,
> which could smite the Earth's
> wicked Sodomites by as early
> as 2002.
> "Remember, Jesus loves
> you," said Christ, waving
> from atop the golden stair-
> case flanked by Robertson,
> Buchanan and Falwell, who
> also waved down to the
> damned.
> "So long, suckers!" Falwell
> exclaimed.
> Noted astronomer and athe-
> ist Carl Sagan, whose skull is
> now the drinking gourd of
> Satan, spoke from the fourth
> level of Hell, saying, "Save
> me, Jesus. I was wrong to
> value scientific reasoning over
> divine faith. Please, take me
> with you."
> The chosen Christians are
> expected to enjoy an eternity
> of worshipping God and
> singing hymns in Heaven. "I
> expect it will be a great deal
> like being in Sunday service,
> except it will never end,"
> Robertson said. "I am very
> excited about it."
>
>
Tee hee. Thanks Robbie. Love, Lucy-Ruth
----------------------
LR Pearson, Arts 99
lp9616@bristol.ac.uk
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